I have finally found the perfect dildo for ravers, burners and anyone else attracted to glow-in-the-dark paraphernalia. The Glo is a white contoured, 100-percent pure silicone dildo that happens to glow in the dark when you insert a glow stick (five bracelet-length ones are included when you first purchase the toy).

The stick, once bent and shaken and inside the Glo, is secured by a bottom piece that more than slightly resembles a nipple. After that you’re all good to glow, meaning that you’re ready to enjoy your very own light-saber-like dildo.

Besides the light saber effect, which is the ultimate of its selling points, the Glo is well thought out, with a head that’s thicker than the mid-section and base. In addition to the thicker head, the first inch of the toy also has a smart, slight curve upward — making G-spot play nice and easy. Plus, the silicone was a nice combination of hard with a touch of softness (you can bend the dildo at its thin midsection), which provides a pleasant texture for inside my vagina.

The only thing to make sure of when using this toy is that the nipple-like cap is all the way up, and “locked” in place (the toy doesn’t actually lock), before you start to maneuver it inside of you. Nothing bad will likely happen if it’s not in place, but the glow stick could fall out, and if you’re not careful, a slight glow stick accident could occur. Of course, you never want to stick the glow stick up you, just the pretty dildo. So next time you want a quality dildo that can light the way for you at night, don’t be afraid to go with the Glo.

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The vagina is a sensitive spot. The skin can be irritated, scratched and chafed with hardly any effort. Most importantly, it has a specific pH balance that, when disrupted, can wreak havoc on the woman to which the vagina belongs. (There are at-home tests you can do to check your pH — which should fall between 3.8 and 4.5.)

Common disruptions:

• hormonal changes — can’t help that.
• aging — can’t help that, either.
• exposing it to bacteria that doesn’t belong — CAN help that.

Think of the vagina as a biological ecosystem that you can have sex with.

Now think back to middle school. Remember what resulted from intruders invading new territories with foreign customs and diseases: Extinct species and a giant hole in the ozone layer.

My point? DON’T go ass-to-vag. This means fingers, penises, dildos, ANYTHING.

DISCLAIMER: Vag-to-ass is fine as long as the ass is your final destination.

No matter how many showers you take, there is a constant supply of bacteria in and around the anus that should not go anywhere near the precious vaginal rain forest. Zoo keepers separate the lions’ pen from the flamingo pond for a reason.

Common results of ass-to-vag contact:

• yeast infections
• urinary tract infections
• bacterial vaginosis
• a woman who hates you for making it uncomfortable to exist for 7-14 days, or until the antibiotics are gone.

So please, I don’t care if you saw it in a porno, or you’re really into “gettin’ drrrrty” in the bedroom. You’re not the one who has to wait two weeks to drink alcohol, have sex, and sit in a chair comfortably.

Playing with both orifices feels good for sure, so don’t ignore them. If you’re one-handed, use a glove for the ass and take it off for the vag — or if you’re ambidextrous, just designate one of your two appendages “the butt one” and you’ll be all set.

Just don’t clap.

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An open message to all the men out there who’ve called the women they’ve slept with “defective” after a 15-minute pumping session failed to result in an orgasm:

This especially goes out to the handful of buffoons (you know who you are) who didn’t believe me when I told them.

About 3/4 of the female population DON’T orgasm from intercourse alone. That means, using less formal terminology, that 75% of women, no matter how hard/long/fast you fuck them, will not have an orgasm without some kind of additional stimulation.

This isn’t a defect of hers OR yours. It’s biology.

“I suspect that for a large proportion of women, orgasm from intercourse alone is just never going to happen and knowing that might give women some solace,” Kim Wallen, professor of behavioral neuroendocrinology at Emory University, told ABC News.

This is not new info — it’s just under reported. You’re not going to hear this during middle school sex-ed class, in between the “You’ll get pregnant no matter what,” and “You’ll get STDs no matter what” lesson plans. You’re not going to hear this during “the talk” with your mom/dad. You’re certainly not going to hear it in mainstream media.

What is new is Wallen’s hypothesis that a woman’s ability to have an orgasm from intercourse alone depends on the distance between her clitoris and vaginal opening.

WARNING: Dr. Ruth moment in 5…4…3…2…1 This makes sense anatomically. The inner lips of the vagina and the clitoral hood are extensions of one another. When the inner lips move (like when you move something in and out of the vagina) they move the hood of skin that lies over the clitoris. The shorter the distance between the two, the stronger the movement and, in turn, the stronger the feeling. The clit is where all the nerves are, so any feeling on or around it is good and the most effective way to have an orgasm.

So next time you have sex and wonder where the O moment went, remember this message from Professor Wallen:

“Just as there are physical attributes that would prevent some people from ever becoming a concert violinist, or run the 100 meters in 10 seconds, there are attributes that make it unlikely that some women will ever experience orgasm from intercourse alone.”

Being able to make a woman orgasm from his penis alone does not make a man a good lover. Understanding how it all works “down there” does.

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Just got word that some desperate (and hopefully very very drunk) dude drove his car through the glass doors of an AdultMart, jumped out while it was still moving, grabbed a $300 fake ass, then jumped back in and drove the car through the store’s OTHER set of glass doors.

YES! THERE’S VIDEO!

Apparently it was an exact replica molded from porn star Carmen Luvana. I’m not sure if she, or her rubber vag for that matter, is worth breaking glass, a new paint job and a criminal record…but I’d hit it.

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