Don’t (ever ever ever).
I thought this was common sense, but apparently not.
Guys, when you’re lying in bed post-coital (that means after you two fucked/made love/whatev), don’t ask questions that pry into her sex life. It’s none of your business. If it were, you wouldn’t have to ask.
Example #1:
HIM: “You know what would make me feel awesome?”
HER: “Uh, what.”
HIM: “If I was the first person you’ve ever done [insert sex position here] with.”
HER: [Awkward silence. Post-orgasm glow GONE.]
That’s like asking her if your dick is the biggest she’s ever seen — ’cause chances are buddy, it’s NOT.
I used to think Portishead was the go-to group for an instant turn-on and/or primo make-out music, but I was recently introduced to Flying Lotus, and my goodness. It’s so distracting; I can barely listen to it in pubic (typo, but I’m leaving it). They’ve got a MySpace music account with some great free tracks, and if you want to cut straight to the chase, skip to the song “Tea Leaf Dancers” and press play. Just make sure you’ve got someone (or something) nearby to assist with the side effects.
Do: Keep lube near and/or under your bed. Owning it doesn’t make him inadequate, and using it doesn’t make her defective. It makes sex better for you both, so use it and use it liberally.
Do: Put yourself out there. My best friend was at the airport waiting for a delayed flight and decided to check out the solar-powered monogram license plate key chains in the Hudson News shop. (Because the non-solar-powered monogram license plate key chains are terrible for the environment?) She looked up to see a young man sporting a trucker hat, flat-ironed black locks, and skinny jeans in front of her, who promptly blurted, “You’re beautiful. Can I call you sometime?” Now, granted, had my friend not been married and had this young man not looked like the former president of the Black Eyed Peas fan club, she may have considered his offer. Why? Because he was confident enough to risk her rejection.
Don’t: Don’t go ANYWHERE near her anal area — that means mouth, fingers, whatever — without clear confirmation that it’s a “go.” That means ask her, using your words and vocal chords. Lingering around the region is not a clear indication of your intentions. Put that thumb away.
After yet another embarrassing, “Here, let me get that for you,” night, I thought I’d share a tip that, for some reason, has taken far too long to register:
Chances are the night you decide to wear your granny panties is going to be the night you end up reaching third (or 12th) base. There’s no way to plan for it — it might even be an official law, signed and dated by Murphy himself — and wearing ugly underwear almost guarantees its removal by someone other than yourself later that evening. It certainly doesn’t work as a preventative measure.
Went on a first date last night. Thought I’d give him a try. He failed.
Ladies — I feel it’s our public duty to educate the men of the world about what NOT to do when you like a girl. How else are they going to learn?
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