I work in the adult industry. That doesn’t mean I make porn. That doesn’t mean I’m a porn star, and it certainly doesn’t mean I’m obsessed with porn. The adult industry is like a big umbrella, and underneath are several areas of business, each very different and separate from each other:

• RETAIL — think the Gap, Target and little cute boutiques you find in quaint neighborhoods, but instead of selling clothes and overpriced nick-knacks, they sell vibrators, lingerie and DVDs.
• SEX TOYS — the design, production, marketing and development of vibrators, dildos, lingerie and any other product made for sexual or sensual use.
• PORN — porn stars, sets, camera men, studios, the whole 9 yards. It’s a significant part of the adult industry, but it’s not the ONLY part of the industry.
• THE INTERNET — this is a whole other world of adult that isn’t directly related to porn. There’s billing (the companies that enable you to buy stuff online), web marketing (the companies that make the flashy ads you see all over the gossip blogs you visit at work), graphic design and a slew of other businesses that make the adult industry exist on the Internet.
• MEDIA — that’s me.

I work for a publishing house that writes news articles, publishes features articles, and hosts conferences that help adult companies run their businesses. Porn fans not only aren’t interested in us, they likely don’t know we exist. We produce magazines of interest to the folks porn fans DO know: Hustler, BangBros, Playboy and the companies that have pornified all the wholesome television we grew up loving. Think “Seinfeld,” “Gilligan’s Island” and “The Brady Bunch” but with cumshots. (Yeah I don’t want to think about it, either.)

We also produce magazines for all the other business that fit under that adult umbrella. That means I work with retailers, product manufacturers, designers — all kinds of folks. And that DOESN’T mean I’m a nympho who spends 9-5 in front of a television or computer screen. I’ve never been much of a porn fan, and if anything this job has turned me off completely. Whatever it does for you does the opposite for me.

Dating me doesn’t mean you’ve finally found a chick willing to watch that shit with you. Yes you’ve found a girl who won’t freak out when she finds “Ass Fixation 7″ or “Cum Crusaders 14″ in your sock drawer — but please don’t suggest we stay in on Friday night to check out the newest “Harry Potter” parody. (That includes “Hairy Potter,” “Harry Pornher” and “Whorry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Balls.”) That is the LAST thing I want to do, and I promise a BJ-free weekend as a result.

Chances are Gap employees don’t fold their shirts when they go home; mailmen don’t spend their weekends organizing stamp collections; optometrists don’t always wear glasses. And did you ever notice that manicurists often have dirty, broken fingernails?

It’s a job, people, not a lifestyle.

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I hear countless stories about dudes who are threatened by sex toys.

Common quote-worthy comments:

• “My chick doesn’t need that.”
• “A real man doesn’t need a toy to make his chick cum”
• “She’s gonna love that rabbit more than me.”

Sure, sex toys are fun to use solo, but that DOESN’T mean they’re made to be penis/tongue/boyfriend replacements. In fact, they’re sometimes more fun to use in groups of two or more, and it’s not just for the ladies to enjoy. Think of them as sex tools, not sex substitutes.

VIBRATORS – Teasing is stellar foreplay. A vibrator can tingle parts of your body you’d never think to touch and set your mind into sex-mode fast. Run it along the neck, collarbone, inner thighs and forearms — add some lube and the buzzing sensation feels quite nice on and around the balls, taint and penis. When it’s time to get down to business, don’t put it away just yet. Vibing on the clit makes orgasms cum come quicker.

DILDOS - Using dildos in the bedroom isn’t reserved only for our lesbian friends. Sure, you’ve got a working cock, and that’s great — when we’re fucking. The best oral sex I’ve ever had was from a guy who used his right hand to prop himself up and his left to slowly (and then faster, faster, faster) fuck me with a dildo. It sounds complicated, but it’s not rocket science. I came hard and fast every time, and he felt like a hero.

COCKRINGS – Cockrings aren’t just for men who “can’t keep it up.” These stretchy rings have come a long way, and now there are designs on the market that not only help keep him harder longer, but also feature little vibrators that hit the clit each time he thrusts. It’s a win-win situation, so even if you don’t “need” a cockring, there’s still reason to give one a try. And don’t be scared — cockrings aren’t supposed to feel tight, and your nuts aren’t going to fall off if you wear it for 15 minutes. If it’s uncomfortable, go buy a bigger size and give yourself a high-5 when she’s not looking.

There are way too many toys to list here, so I suggest you check out the options online and see what catches your eye. But remember: Much like lube isn’t for defective vaginas, vibrators, dildos and other toys aren’t made to replace inadequate lovers.

If you’re convinced otherwise, call me when you get some confidence and a clue. It’s sex. Loosen up a little; it makes it easier to enjoy the ride. Besides, everyone knows real men are good with their hands and know their way around a tool toy box.

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I’ve got a lot of toys and not a lot of places to put them. I’ve had one small carrying case for a couple of years now, and as my arsenal grew, the zipper refused to close. Now that’s no way to keep my special toys clean and protected!

The XL Adult ToyBox is like an attaché case with Velcro strips to stick a series of six clear pouches and six loops (great to hang feathers and floggers) and customize its organization. I can fill a smaller pouch with lube pillow packs, a larger pouch with lube bottles (protecting the rest of my gear in case one leaks) and put all kinds of smaller bullet vibes, condoms, clamps and mini pump cups (yep, got those, too) and anything else that might get lost floating around a big bag under the bed.

I’ve also got several dildos, each in its own velvet satchel, that also need to fit in there, and because the pouches can be arranged to my liking (it’s like adult Tetris!) everything fits like a glove. Lying flat, it’s only a few inches tall, so it slides under my bed perfectly, and two handles — one on its side and the other at the top — makes it easy to transport to slumber parties.

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If I found out my mailman has secretly been hoarding my plastic-bag-encased magazines and boxes from SexToyDirect for the past 10 years, I dunno if I’d feel sympathetic (emphasis on the “pathetic”) or irate. That shit ain’t cheap.

Some postman in England was caught red-handed (probably from all the chafing) with an attic full of stolen items — including sex toys, porn and lingerie. He managed to avoid detection by opening selected packages, removing one or two items, and then carefully resealing what was left in each box before delivery.

This guy is probably going to jail. I hope he stole a soap-on-a-rope or two sometime during his decade of depravity, because Pinky and Jimbo aren’t going to be impressed when they learn why their mailman cellmate got locked up.

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There’s an online sex shop(pe) based in the U.K. that has spent a lot of time and effort to find out how much money its citizens spend on sex. They even mapped out each region’s spending patterns, which allows users to type in their favorite city to find out how “sexy” its residents are.

LoveHoney.co.uk found that Upminster is “Britain’s sexiest town” — spending 15 times the $11 national average on bondage gear — and that Essex adults spend more than $117 a year on their sex lives, 11 times more than the average chap.

And apparently the entire continent spends more than $520 million a year on sex. For those of you skeptical about how LoveHoney came up with these numbers, visit UKSexMap.co.uk and be ready to be impressed.

I’d love to see someone attempt to map out the U.S. But the “sexiest” things anyone here will admit to buying are organic toothpaste and gym memberships.

Heaven forbid Americans have a lot of sex and be proud of it!

On that note, I’m gonna see how much flights to Essex are. I’m sure there’s a lot of sight-seeing to do there.

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I’ve got a big cardboard box of sex toys in the backseat of my car. Is that weird?

At the office, I’m sent so many products to test, review and check out (tough job, I know) and there isn’t enough time (or pages in the magazine I’m editor for) to include them all. As a result, I have boxes and piles of vibrators, dildos, penis pumps, lube, pills and everything else you can imagine all over my office and now they’ve migrated to my car. (You never know when a friend, valet or manicurist might need a new sex toy.)

But at this point, I’ve grown so accustomed being surrounded by these things that a purple strap-on (still in its box, duh) sitting on my kitchen table next to a vase of flowers and my cat Harriet is nothing out of the ordinary.

So until I find a way to put these products to use I need to find a new place to put that box. This morning I realized how visible the pink handcuffs, assortment of jellybean-colored vibrators, and bottles of cherry-flavored lube (gross) are sitting in my VW hatchback when a motorcyclist stopped at a red light looked at me, pointed to the backseat, and gave a thumbs-up.

I need tinted windows. Or a yard sale.

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