I’m concerned.

The man responsible for the best sex of my life is in town. We both knew last night would be the only night we’d have free to, you know, talk about the weather. But when the time came and the phone rang, I didn’t answer.

WHAT??!

Having sex all night, waking up after 45 minutes of pseudo sleep, and being exhausted all the next day used to be something I not only could handle, but secretly enjoyed. It’s fun knowing that, while your coworkers order grande half-caff lattes during their morning Starbucks excursion, you’re ordering an extra shot of espresso in your Americano because you were ravaged all night by a man who needed no instruction and navigated your body as if he were led by a Tom-Tom.

But following my daily routine in a fatigued fog no longer feels like a fun little secret, and the thought of waking up at 6 a.m. to start a 10-hour day after a nightlong horizontal workout cast an ominous shadow over my impending horniness. That’s when I sent the call straight to voicemail and apologized to my vagina.

But I think it’s for the best — an extra shot of espresso costs 50 cents, and I’ve only got enough change for a tall drip.

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There’s an online sex shop(pe) based in the U.K. that has spent a lot of time and effort to find out how much money its citizens spend on sex. They even mapped out each region’s spending patterns, which allows users to type in their favorite city to find out how “sexy” its residents are.

LoveHoney.co.uk found that Upminster is “Britain’s sexiest town” — spending 15 times the $11 national average on bondage gear — and that Essex adults spend more than $117 a year on their sex lives, 11 times more than the average chap.

And apparently the entire continent spends more than $520 million a year on sex. For those of you skeptical about how LoveHoney came up with these numbers, visit UKSexMap.co.uk and be ready to be impressed.

I’d love to see someone attempt to map out the U.S. But the “sexiest” things anyone here will admit to buying are organic toothpaste and gym memberships.

Heaven forbid Americans have a lot of sex and be proud of it!

On that note, I’m gonna see how much flights to Essex are. I’m sure there’s a lot of sight-seeing to do there.

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Don’t (ever ever ever).

I thought this was common sense, but apparently not.

Guys, when you’re lying in bed post-coital (that means after you two fucked/made love/whatev), don’t ask questions that pry into her sex life. It’s none of your business. If it were, you wouldn’t have to ask.

Example #1:

HIM: “You know what would make me feel awesome?”

HER: “Uh, what.”

HIM: “If I was the first person you’ve ever done [insert sex position here] with.”

HER: [Awkward silence. Post-orgasm glow GONE.]

That’s like asking her if your dick is the biggest she’s ever seen — ’cause chances are buddy, it’s NOT.

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