The vagina is a sensitive spot. The skin can be irritated, scratched and chafed with hardly any effort. Most importantly, it has a specific pH balance that, when disrupted, can wreak havoc on the woman to which the vagina belongs. (There are at-home tests you can do to check your pH — which should fall between 3.8 and 4.5.)

Common disruptions:

• hormonal changes — can’t help that.
• aging — can’t help that, either.
• exposing it to bacteria that doesn’t belong — CAN help that.

Think of the vagina as a biological ecosystem that you can have sex with.

Now think back to middle school. Remember what resulted from intruders invading new territories with foreign customs and diseases: Extinct species and a giant hole in the ozone layer.

My point? DON’T go ass-to-vag. This means fingers, penises, dildos, ANYTHING.

DISCLAIMER: Vag-to-ass is fine as long as the ass is your final destination.

No matter how many showers you take, there is a constant supply of bacteria in and around the anus that should not go anywhere near the precious vaginal rain forest. Zoo keepers separate the lions’ pen from the flamingo pond for a reason.

Common results of ass-to-vag contact:

• yeast infections
• urinary tract infections
• bacterial vaginosis
• a woman who hates you for making it uncomfortable to exist for 7-14 days, or until the antibiotics are gone.

So please, I don’t care if you saw it in a porno, or you’re really into “gettin’ drrrrty” in the bedroom. You’re not the one who has to wait two weeks to drink alcohol, have sex, and sit in a chair comfortably.

Playing with both orifices feels good for sure, so don’t ignore them. If you’re one-handed, use a glove for the ass and take it off for the vag — or if you’re ambidextrous, just designate one of your two appendages “the butt one” and you’ll be all set.

Just don’t clap.

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Bobble-head blowjobs don’t cut it.

The porn scene: Guy sits down. Girl kneels down and puts 1/8 of guy’s penis in mouth. She proceeds to bob head up and down, moving the 1/8 portion in and out like a trashy metronome.

The real-life scene: Guy sits down. Girl kneels down and puts 1/8 of penis in mouth and bobs up and down like a metronome. Guy carefully contemplates whether or not he should grab her head and take over.

For those of you who can only swallow an eighth of cock without gagging, don’t fret. Many women don’t know that the most sensitive part of a cock is NOT at the base — deep-throating doesn’t feel good because your forehead hits his pelvis.

The underside of the head of his penis is a sort of bullseye of nerve endings (called the corona) that, when licked/rubbed/touched, feels damn good.

So if you’re able to take it all in and more, great. When you feel the head hit the back of your throat, start moving your swallowing muscles and brace yourself.

And if you’re only able to take in a little bit, make sure your tongue pays attention to that sweet spot. Treat it like you’re eating a very frozen ice cream cone: Lick it gingerly and you’ll never make any progress, but add pressure and use more surface area, and that ice cream will melt in your mouth in no time.

Regardless of your oral capacity, if you want to give good head, don’t be timid. A penis isn’t scary and it isn’t gross. If you think otherwise, you might want to team up with that dude who “doesn’t go down there” and have a drink or two. You two will be very happy together.

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An open message to all the men out there who’ve called the women they’ve slept with “defective” after a 15-minute pumping session failed to result in an orgasm:

This especially goes out to the handful of buffoons (you know who you are) who didn’t believe me when I told them.

About 3/4 of the female population DON’T orgasm from intercourse alone. That means, using less formal terminology, that 75% of women, no matter how hard/long/fast you fuck them, will not have an orgasm without some kind of additional stimulation.

This isn’t a defect of hers OR yours. It’s biology.

“I suspect that for a large proportion of women, orgasm from intercourse alone is just never going to happen and knowing that might give women some solace,” Kim Wallen, professor of behavioral neuroendocrinology at Emory University, told ABC News.

This is not new info — it’s just under reported. You’re not going to hear this during middle school sex-ed class, in between the “You’ll get pregnant no matter what,” and “You’ll get STDs no matter what” lesson plans. You’re not going to hear this during “the talk” with your mom/dad. You’re certainly not going to hear it in mainstream media.

What is new is Wallen’s hypothesis that a woman’s ability to have an orgasm from intercourse alone depends on the distance between her clitoris and vaginal opening.

WARNING: Dr. Ruth moment in 5…4…3…2…1 This makes sense anatomically. The inner lips of the vagina and the clitoral hood are extensions of one another. When the inner lips move (like when you move something in and out of the vagina) they move the hood of skin that lies over the clitoris. The shorter the distance between the two, the stronger the movement and, in turn, the stronger the feeling. The clit is where all the nerves are, so any feeling on or around it is good and the most effective way to have an orgasm.

So next time you have sex and wonder where the O moment went, remember this message from Professor Wallen:

“Just as there are physical attributes that would prevent some people from ever becoming a concert violinist, or run the 100 meters in 10 seconds, there are attributes that make it unlikely that some women will ever experience orgasm from intercourse alone.”

Being able to make a woman orgasm from his penis alone does not make a man a good lover. Understanding how it all works “down there” does.

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