A word to all the women out there who fake their way through one-nighters and short-term hook-ups. (And if you’re still doing it after your wedding night, you’d better find something to fill the hole void.)

Please stop pretending to have raging orgasms. You’re not doing anyone a favor and here’s why:

1. You’re never going to get what you want in bed until you let him know what you like and what you don’t.

2. Each time you scream and moan you’re making him think that’s how ALL women cum. He’ll be a sexual dunce for the rest of his bedroom career, or until he meets a chick with enough balls to set things straight.

3. When you coo with delight each time he sorta kinda touches what he thinks is your G-spot, you’re teaching him that THAT is a “hot spot” on a chick. That sucks for every other girl he fucks after you.

4. Sure you skirted the issue for one night. But what happens when you realize you kinda like the guy, but he has no idea how to get you off and it’s your fault? You have to either clue him into your former charade, or convince yourself that the sex isn’t THAT important. You’ve been lying to him, so why not also lie to yourself?

There are very few fake things in the world that are for the greater good — false eyelashes, tofu hot dogs, cubic zirconia — and the only time you’ll find “fake orgasms” on that list is if you’re on a game show and the most obnoxious orgasm noise wins you a Toyota Yaris and complimentary wine tasting at Williams-Sonoma.

I’ve never faked it. That doesn’t mean I’ve never encountered awkwardness or an insecure guy who felt like a failure — but the key isn’t to lie there waiting for him to get tired and give up.

You gotta give a little direction (as he should for you, too) because that’s the only way to know how to do it right. No one, no matter how suave/sexy/skilled, knows exactly how to get you off because everyone is different, and if you start the session with unfair expectations, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

Use your words.

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I hear countless stories about dudes who are threatened by sex toys.

Common quote-worthy comments:

• “My chick doesn’t need that.”
• “A real man doesn’t need a toy to make his chick cum”
• “She’s gonna love that rabbit more than me.”

Sure, sex toys are fun to use solo, but that DOESN’T mean they’re made to be penis/tongue/boyfriend replacements. In fact, they’re sometimes more fun to use in groups of two or more, and it’s not just for the ladies to enjoy. Think of them as sex tools, not sex substitutes.

VIBRATORS – Teasing is stellar foreplay. A vibrator can tingle parts of your body you’d never think to touch and set your mind into sex-mode fast. Run it along the neck, collarbone, inner thighs and forearms — add some lube and the buzzing sensation feels quite nice on and around the balls, taint and penis. When it’s time to get down to business, don’t put it away just yet. Vibing on the clit makes orgasms cum come quicker.

DILDOS - Using dildos in the bedroom isn’t reserved only for our lesbian friends. Sure, you’ve got a working cock, and that’s great — when we’re fucking. The best oral sex I’ve ever had was from a guy who used his right hand to prop himself up and his left to slowly (and then faster, faster, faster) fuck me with a dildo. It sounds complicated, but it’s not rocket science. I came hard and fast every time, and he felt like a hero.

COCKRINGS – Cockrings aren’t just for men who “can’t keep it up.” These stretchy rings have come a long way, and now there are designs on the market that not only help keep him harder longer, but also feature little vibrators that hit the clit each time he thrusts. It’s a win-win situation, so even if you don’t “need” a cockring, there’s still reason to give one a try. And don’t be scared — cockrings aren’t supposed to feel tight, and your nuts aren’t going to fall off if you wear it for 15 minutes. If it’s uncomfortable, go buy a bigger size and give yourself a high-5 when she’s not looking.

There are way too many toys to list here, so I suggest you check out the options online and see what catches your eye. But remember: Much like lube isn’t for defective vaginas, vibrators, dildos and other toys aren’t made to replace inadequate lovers.

If you’re convinced otherwise, call me when you get some confidence and a clue. It’s sex. Loosen up a little; it makes it easier to enjoy the ride. Besides, everyone knows real men are good with their hands and know their way around a tool toy box.

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I almost had an orgasm standing up last week, and I think the sheer shock that it was about to happen — and the fact that my legs were about to give out — was the only reason it didn’t cum come to fruition.

I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm just flat out standing straight up, and I think my fear of falling on the floor and knocking out a tooth is the saboteur. I’ve had a leg propped up on the edge of a table or bathtub, but never with both feet flat on the floor, and certainly not while wearing 4-inch heels. (No, I’m not a stripper.)

Did I mention that I wasn’t going solo? Yes, there was a young man at the helm of that ship, and he certainly was navigating through the storm without much assistance from his right hand. (Pun intended…though I think he was a lefty.) Too bad the storm calmed down before all hands made it to deck.

Next time I’m going barefoot. With a mouth guard.

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An open message to all the men out there who’ve called the women they’ve slept with “defective” after a 15-minute pumping session failed to result in an orgasm:

This especially goes out to the handful of buffoons (you know who you are) who didn’t believe me when I told them.

About 3/4 of the female population DON’T orgasm from intercourse alone. That means, using less formal terminology, that 75% of women, no matter how hard/long/fast you fuck them, will not have an orgasm without some kind of additional stimulation.

This isn’t a defect of hers OR yours. It’s biology.

“I suspect that for a large proportion of women, orgasm from intercourse alone is just never going to happen and knowing that might give women some solace,” Kim Wallen, professor of behavioral neuroendocrinology at Emory University, told ABC News.

This is not new info — it’s just under reported. You’re not going to hear this during middle school sex-ed class, in between the “You’ll get pregnant no matter what,” and “You’ll get STDs no matter what” lesson plans. You’re not going to hear this during “the talk” with your mom/dad. You’re certainly not going to hear it in mainstream media.

What is new is Wallen’s hypothesis that a woman’s ability to have an orgasm from intercourse alone depends on the distance between her clitoris and vaginal opening.

WARNING: Dr. Ruth moment in 5…4…3…2…1 This makes sense anatomically. The inner lips of the vagina and the clitoral hood are extensions of one another. When the inner lips move (like when you move something in and out of the vagina) they move the hood of skin that lies over the clitoris. The shorter the distance between the two, the stronger the movement and, in turn, the stronger the feeling. The clit is where all the nerves are, so any feeling on or around it is good and the most effective way to have an orgasm.

So next time you have sex and wonder where the O moment went, remember this message from Professor Wallen:

“Just as there are physical attributes that would prevent some people from ever becoming a concert violinist, or run the 100 meters in 10 seconds, there are attributes that make it unlikely that some women will ever experience orgasm from intercourse alone.”

Being able to make a woman orgasm from his penis alone does not make a man a good lover. Understanding how it all works “down there” does.

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During oral sex, a woman doesn’t have a raging orgasm after 5 minutes of python-like tongue-flicking.

The porn scene: Guy rubs face into girl’s vagina. Girl coos in delight. Guy tenses tongue and flicks at girl’s clitoris – guys, this is the target if you’re looking for an orgasm to happen — while spreading apart the labia (aka “vagina lips”). Girl moans and groans, possibly even screams.

The real-life scene: Guy rubs face into girl’s vagina. Girl waits for guy to find her clitoris. Guy tenses tongue and flicks at it while spreading apart the labia. Girl tenses and winces. Guy stops after a few minutes and girl wonders what just happened.

Guys, think of it this way: You like your balls to be rubbed, lightly massaged, licked — NOT smacked. (Usually.) Each time your flexed tongue hits her clit, it’s like hitting your balls with a stick. (Yeah yeah not as painful, but painful still.) And the tighter you pull the skin away from the clit itself, the more exposed it is to the beating of your tongue. There’s a hood of skin there for a reason, and it’s not aesthetics.

There’s a reason why R&B singers and creepy characters on “Sex and the City” (Season 2, Episode 3) refer to eating ripe fruit when the topic of cunnilingus/pussy-eating arises. Think of how you eat a super-ripe peach, and apply it in the bedroom.

And please try not to get frustrated after 5 or 10 minutes down there; it often takes longer than that for a good orgasm to build. And if you make it obvious you’re irritated, she’ll be instantly distracted — either feeling guilty or angry at you — and the orgasm might not ever come. (Pun intended.)

Slow and steady wins this race, I promise.

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When you’re sleeping with someone for the first time, especially after only just meeting, don’t interrupt the heat of passion to suggest bagging the condom.

Example:

HIM: “You know [kiss] what would feel [smack, kiss] awesome?”
HER: “[kiss, lick] mmgh?”
HIM: “[inaudible muffled noise] without a condom.”
[Record scratching to a halt.]

We’ve never fucked. I’ve never seen your nether regions. For all I know, you could be an international gigolo/man-whore. You might have a sexy accent and piercing green eyes, but you really think the idea of exposing my precious vagina to your bare penis is a turn-on? Hell no.

First of all, let’s be honest: EVERYONE knows sex feels better without a condom. But 5-15 (preferably the latter) minutes of orgasm-inducing (hopefully) action is not even a little bit worth the risk of catching something that either a)will cost time, money and surely some gross side effects to cure; or b)never be cured ever ever, and result in a lifetime of awkward conversation each time a relationship develops.

Keep in mind, condom manufacturing has come a long way in the several centuries that condom-like sheaths – often made of linen, leather or chemically treated bladder or intestine (latex doesn’t sound so bad now, hmm?) – were reportedly used.

There’s more to choose from than your basic latex jimmy hat. Head to your local pharmacy, and if you can muster up the courage, try an adult boutique to see what latex and non-latex options are available. Some brands (Kimono) are famous for making ultra-thin styles, while others offer options made from materials that won’t irritate skin.

The key is not to assume all condoms feel like rubbery balloons and to keep an open mind (and open bottle of lube.) You’ll be happy you did.

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It’s 9:09 a.m. on 9/09/09.

How many people are having orgasms at this moment? Probably at least a dozen or two.

Might as well get one in before the end of the world. I hear it’s gonna happen in nine seconds…

8…

7…

6…

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

…still exist? Me, too. Let’s celebrate.

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