The porn scene: Girl and guy make out in the shower. Girl blows guy, guy flicks her clit a little with his finger. Then they start fucking and orgasms/pop-shots ensue.

The real-life scene: Girl and guy make out in the shower. Both are freezing because the warm water can’t hit them both at the same time. Girl blows guy and can’t see because the water pouring into her eyes blurs her contacts. Guy flicks her clit and then they start fucking, but the water pouring over them washes away much of her own wetness and the friction fucks it all up.

Sex in the shower (or pool, hot tub and shallow bodies of water) is hot, no doubt. But a little bit of thought beforehand can help rise that hotness factor.

1. Keep in mind that whenever the water’s pouring on you, it’s not pouring on your partner and he/she is probably cold and uncomfortable.

DISCLAIMER: This tip is for showers located in traditional home-like environments. If you’re fucking in an outdoor shower in Fiji, temperature probably isn’t an issue and I hate you for not inviting me.

2. Keep in mind where the water is spraying as you move around. If you want your gal to suck your cock, don’t point in the direction of the waterfall. Do her a favor and block the stream with your back — she needs to be able to see what she’s doing.

Same goes for gals who want their men to eat out in the shower. No one wants to kneel on the bottom of a bathtub. It’s uncomfortable and, depending on the niceness of your shower, kinda gross. That’s why they make bathtub mats that stay stationary with suction-cups — life becomes easier for us all!

3. Keep in mind the biggest issue with having sex in water: H2O tends to cancel out a woman’s own natural lubricant, causing friction and, as a result, not-awesome sex — ESPECIALLY when condoms are involved.

That’s why it’s essential to have lube nearby, and not just any old water-based goo will do. Go with silicone, which tends to be thinner and silkier than its gloppy counterpart and stays that way in water.

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Phone buzzed. Text message.

What up, booty call.

We’ve already discussed the etiquette behind the call of booty, and as I started tidying up my house and making sure Project Runway was set to record, I began what SHOULD have been a simple text convo confirming that yes, I was up for something.

However, things took an unexpected turn for the douchiest worst and he went from go-to guy (for both orgasms and help hanging curtains) to lame-o worth neither my time nor my vagina.

WRONG ANSWER.

When a chick not only confirms she wants to fuck you, but makes it clear she wants to fuck you RIGHT NOW, you drop everything and fuck her. Seems simple, right? Common sense, yes?

Maybe he had a lineup of phone numbers ready to text in case the first one declined his offer and, like shopping for used cars, waited to see who dealt him the best deal — “A BJ and doggie style? I dunno, man…the place across the street threw in anal and agreed to waive the cuddling fee.”

But regardless he and I both know I was the top of the line, and to think I’d waste my time settling on what we’d do before he got to my house certainly failed to keep me wet.

The fun of it is anticipating his arrival, making small talk as the shoes come off, and then going at it with no holds barred. Who wants to plan it all out ahead of time?

Not me.

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Don’t get me wrong…I’d love to fuck Grace Park. I get a boner just thinking about breathing the same oxygen. Heck I have a boner right now.

She’s from one of the best shows ever invented and she practically begs to a quick hay-roll every time she blinks.

When I heard about her photo spread in Maxim, I reached half mast, but when I opened up the spread, I barely made a soft launch.

I have a hard time jerking it to anti-anorexia PSAs.

I’m calling craft services and getting sandwiches back on the Battlestar Galactica set stat.

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I refuse to believe that there are men out there — at least men I’ve spent valuable time getting to know and possibly even making out with — who are truly too stupid to know when I’m not interested.

I don’t want to pursue anything more than friendship (if that) when:

• I stop answering your phone calls.
• I tell you I’m busy every minute of every day.
• I tell you not to call me because I’m low on cellphone minutes. (If I want to talk to you, I’ll find a way, even if it means using the grimy pay phone at 711. And if I’m willing to even do that, I may also be in love with you.)
• I stop inviting you to do things.
• The once constant flow of YouTube links to wacky cat videos suddenly ceases.
• I openly talk about other dudes I’m fucking.

And the #1 SIGN I don’t want to pursue anything further:

• When I tell you, “I don’t want to pursue anything further.”

I’m not being coy and I’m not being playful. I’m being straight-forward and honest — which I understand most chicks rarely are, and maybe you’re not used to that — but unless you’re a professional rapist, you should know that “No” means, “Please go away.”

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…and probably even take out to dinner first:

Mila Kunis.

She’s beautiful and hot at the same time, and the fact that I can hear her voice on Adult Swim every night makes me happy and horny at the same time.

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