I hear countless stories about dudes who are threatened by sex toys.

Common quote-worthy comments:

• “My chick doesn’t need that.”
• “A real man doesn’t need a toy to make his chick cum”
• “She’s gonna love that rabbit more than me.”

Sure, sex toys are fun to use solo, but that DOESN’T mean they’re made to be penis/tongue/boyfriend replacements. In fact, they’re sometimes more fun to use in groups of two or more, and it’s not just for the ladies to enjoy. Think of them as sex tools, not sex substitutes.

VIBRATORS – Teasing is stellar foreplay. A vibrator can tingle parts of your body you’d never think to touch and set your mind into sex-mode fast. Run it along the neck, collarbone, inner thighs and forearms — add some lube and the buzzing sensation feels quite nice on and around the balls, taint and penis. When it’s time to get down to business, don’t put it away just yet. Vibing on the clit makes orgasms cum come quicker.

DILDOS - Using dildos in the bedroom isn’t reserved only for our lesbian friends. Sure, you’ve got a working cock, and that’s great — when we’re fucking. The best oral sex I’ve ever had was from a guy who used his right hand to prop himself up and his left to slowly (and then faster, faster, faster) fuck me with a dildo. It sounds complicated, but it’s not rocket science. I came hard and fast every time, and he felt like a hero.

COCKRINGS – Cockrings aren’t just for men who “can’t keep it up.” These stretchy rings have come a long way, and now there are designs on the market that not only help keep him harder longer, but also feature little vibrators that hit the clit each time he thrusts. It’s a win-win situation, so even if you don’t “need” a cockring, there’s still reason to give one a try. And don’t be scared — cockrings aren’t supposed to feel tight, and your nuts aren’t going to fall off if you wear it for 15 minutes. If it’s uncomfortable, go buy a bigger size and give yourself a high-5 when she’s not looking.

There are way too many toys to list here, so I suggest you check out the options online and see what catches your eye. But remember: Much like lube isn’t for defective vaginas, vibrators, dildos and other toys aren’t made to replace inadequate lovers.

If you’re convinced otherwise, call me when you get some confidence and a clue. It’s sex. Loosen up a little; it makes it easier to enjoy the ride. Besides, everyone knows real men are good with their hands and know their way around a tool toy box.

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This line continues to impress with its take on kinky play. It makes bondage seem like something that modern couples can do together without feeling like they’ve crossed any lines, and you have to appreciate anything that can get couples to try something new in the bedroom!

Me: I really like the red stitching on the black leather, that’s a nice touch.

Him: I’m not sure how I feel about the hearts on the cockring; on the restraints and everywhere else they definitely give you feeling that it’s meant for couples play though.

Me: The ankle restraints are comfortable but they aren’t flimsy, which is nice. You feel like you aren’t going anywhere. The leather is nice and soft too, and I like the suede on the inside of the blindfold.

Him: The collar seems a little too dainty to be for him, but that’s OK.

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What better way to say I love you than with the gift of a vibrator? How about with the gift of a special edition Jolie vibrator? But wait, there’s more. It also comes with a battery, great for all those times you’ve been excited to try a toy only to get home and realize you don’t have the right voltage for your vibration, plus three types of liquid love (that’d be bath oil, massage oil and lube), a scarf for frisky business, a sensual book of ideas and suggestions for how to love each other long time, AND it’s all placed in a neatly designed ABS clear plastic box.

What I like most about the package is that it’s an entire package. Not only is it an affordable way to give a nice gift from a trusted brand, but it’s also simple enough to not be scary for beginners, and varied enough to not be a one-trick pony for the more advanced. What I like least is that the box is made to hold each toy or lube in a special place, but because the items aren’t securely in place, the presentation is not always as sleek as it looks on the website.

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Do: Talk to her in bed. And I don’t mean scripted porn commentary, (which, FYI, is only sexy to some women, so be sure to feel her out — pun intended — before blurting something obscene) such as, “You like that pussy slammed?” or, “Stick your finger in your ass.”

Or better yet, let her talk to you. If it’s a turnoff to have a chick you’re naked with tell you where to put your tongue or thumb, you might need to grow up a bit. The fact that she’s comfortable and eager enough to provide some direction means she REALLY wants to cum and REALLY wants you to be the cause. That in and of itself should be enough to get you hot and bothered and raring to go.

And for those of you still not convinced, tell your hand I said hi.

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I used to think Portishead was the go-to group for an instant turn-on and/or primo make-out music, but I was recently introduced to Flying Lotus, and my goodness. It’s so distracting; I can barely listen to it in pubic (typo, but I’m leaving it). They’ve got a MySpace music account with some great free tracks, and if you want to cut straight to the chase, skip to the song “Tea Leaf Dancers” and press play. Just make sure you’ve got someone (or something) nearby to assist with the side effects.

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