I’ve got a lot of toys and not a lot of places to put them. I’ve had one small carrying case for a couple of years now, and as my arsenal grew, the zipper refused to close. Now that’s no way to keep my special toys clean and protected!

The XL Adult ToyBox is like an attaché case with Velcro strips to stick a series of six clear pouches and six loops (great to hang feathers and floggers) and customize its organization. I can fill a smaller pouch with lube pillow packs, a larger pouch with lube bottles (protecting the rest of my gear in case one leaks) and put all kinds of smaller bullet vibes, condoms, clamps and mini pump cups (yep, got those, too) and anything else that might get lost floating around a big bag under the bed.

I’ve also got several dildos, each in its own velvet satchel, that also need to fit in there, and because the pouches can be arranged to my liking (it’s like adult Tetris!) everything fits like a glove. Lying flat, it’s only a few inches tall, so it slides under my bed perfectly, and two handles — one on its side and the other at the top — makes it easy to transport to slumber parties.

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The vagina is a sensitive spot. The skin can be irritated, scratched and chafed with hardly any effort. Most importantly, it has a specific pH balance that, when disrupted, can wreak havoc on the woman to which the vagina belongs. (There are at-home tests you can do to check your pH — which should fall between 3.8 and 4.5.)

Common disruptions:

• hormonal changes — can’t help that.
• aging — can’t help that, either.
• exposing it to bacteria that doesn’t belong — CAN help that.

Think of the vagina as a biological ecosystem that you can have sex with.

Now think back to middle school. Remember what resulted from intruders invading new territories with foreign customs and diseases: Extinct species and a giant hole in the ozone layer.

My point? DON’T go ass-to-vag. This means fingers, penises, dildos, ANYTHING.

DISCLAIMER: Vag-to-ass is fine as long as the ass is your final destination.

No matter how many showers you take, there is a constant supply of bacteria in and around the anus that should not go anywhere near the precious vaginal rain forest. Zoo keepers separate the lions’ pen from the flamingo pond for a reason.

Common results of ass-to-vag contact:

• yeast infections
• urinary tract infections
• bacterial vaginosis
• a woman who hates you for making it uncomfortable to exist for 7-14 days, or until the antibiotics are gone.

So please, I don’t care if you saw it in a porno, or you’re really into “gettin’ drrrrty” in the bedroom. You’re not the one who has to wait two weeks to drink alcohol, have sex, and sit in a chair comfortably.

Playing with both orifices feels good for sure, so don’t ignore them. If you’re one-handed, use a glove for the ass and take it off for the vag — or if you’re ambidextrous, just designate one of your two appendages “the butt one” and you’ll be all set.

Just don’t clap.

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My two lezzie friends-with-benefits tried out a new harness the other night and here’s what they thought:

DJ says: Taking this harness out of the package and into bed was a bit of a stiff experience. The harness leather was a bit too firm against my skin (I’m sure that with more use the leather will soften to my liking!) and made it hard to feel the placement of the dildo. The straps were durable but a little pinchy, but I was still able to be suave with my lady as I usually am! A mellow mess-around would likely be fine with this harness, but if you want to strap it on for a solid romp in the sheets, watch out for strap chafing. Watch out for clean up, getting the plush fabric on the backside of the harness and snap-on piece washed up is a challenge. It felt more novelty than fun-ction.

Kitty says: I think I had more fun with this she did! It looked super-cute on her, has straps for all sizes, and the buckles were easily adjustable when we changed positions. The matching dildo was your basic style — smooth and firm but flexible — but surely did the trick. The snap-on dildo attachment kept the shiny silicone snugly in place better than the rubber o-rings we’ve used before, and it also comes with a metal o-ring for girth-tastic dildos!

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I was reading gossip blogs working really hard this afternoon when I saw a photo of pop singer/fashion experiment Rihanna that inspired me.

I’ll give you a moment or five to wipe the drool from your chin and clean up that mess.

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OK. What’s the first thing you do when you see a pierced nipple? How about when that pierced nipple is attached to a naked chick lying in front of you ready to have lots of sex?

If you answered, “Tug on it and never let go,” pull up your pants and do your best to let the door hit you on the way out.

Newsflash: People don’t pierce their nipples because it feels amazing when they’re accidentally ripped out.

It’s different for everyone, but piercing a sensitive part of the body can heighten sensitivity, and SOME people enjoy the sensation of light tugging. You can find out what your pierced partner prefers by lightly attempting an intermittent tug or two while licking/touching, and if she doesn’t recoil in horror, then you’ve got your answer.

But if the girl’s entire body stiffens and she screams, “What the hell is wrong with you?!!” your best bet is to stop if you want to avoid having your eye jabbed out by a dildo.

Or if you’re into that sort of thing, by all means carry on. Eye patches are bad-ass, and I think Rihanna’s got one with rhinestones.

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This deluxe dildo is the proud new queen of this dyke’s silicone-heavy sex toy box! This pretty, blue striped number delivered everything I expected as a first-time user (and long-time coveter) of a glass dildo. Variations in shape in texture, combined with the trademark hard smooth surface, kick this wand’s pleasure possibilities up a notch. I enjoyed the very slight curve in the shaft, although a more pronounced curve would have allowed easier G-spot access; the mushroom tip (about ½ inch wider than the 1-inch shaft) is fabulous for both shallow and deep strokes; and the bright blue swirl is not just for looks — it creates a ribbed texture along the shaft. The glass holds temperature well, as tested by my “cold glass in a hot shower” experiment, where I got plenty of chilly sensation before it slowly warmed with use. The knobbed handle is brilliantly designed. It made for an easy grip without slippage, saved my wrist from early fatigue (this wand has weight!), and allowed me perfect control to move it just where I wanted it. I don’t have to worry about it chipping in my toy box, thanks to its amply padded cloth case — my only complaint is that the pink plush fabric doesn’t scream “elegant and high class” like this dildo deserves!

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It’s a tough one, a decision made by countless numbers of straight women after being asked the fatal question, “Did you cum?”

I specify “straight” women because it seems only men would be daft enough to not be able to tell when a woman orgasms during intercourse. There’s more to it than lots of noise and funny facial expressions: deeper breaths, flushed chest and cheeks, quickened pulse.

The most obvious — and most difficult to fake — sign of an orgasm is the often intensely tight muscle contractions felt inside the vagina. These are the pubococcygeus, or PC, muscles, and anyone who reads Cosmo or Glamour has surely read about kegel exercises that make them stronger. (Ladies, the more kegels you do, the stronger the contractions and, in turn, the more intense your orgasms will be. Remind me again why you haven’t been doing them…?)

Just like your other muscles, you can exercise PCs with or without weights. There are several different kegel exercisers on the market — classic Ben Wa balls, Smartballs and even some heavier dildos are popular.

But honestly, you don’t need a monthly membership or expensive sex toys to keep ‘em toned. Just squeeze (as if you’re holding in pee, for lack of a more elegant description), hold and release whenever you remember to do it.

I’m doing mine right now.

So guys, try not to ask, “Did you cum?” every time because I’m pretty sure lying is a sin, which means each time your wife/girlfriend/main ho bends the truth, you’re essentially sending her to the fiery depths. Jerk.

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What’s cold and hard, smooth and red hot (or black)?

It’s Dai-Dö, the latest line to come out from the Big Teaze Toys collection. With six new aluminum alloy and stainless steel playthings, I decided it was best not to save my favorite for last, and headed straight for model no. 6 — whose name ever so slightly reminded me of the Cylon fleet in Battlestar Galatica. The Dai-Dö no. 6 is shaped like a teardrop, a large 5.7-inch, 12.5-ounce teardrop. The balled end is so easy to put in the palm of your hand, and the silicone band makes it even easier to grab hold of the larger, round end. Besides, the way it’s designed to be held makes it easy on the wrist! Once you’ve got a handle on things, you can maneuver inside either orifice, meaning your ass or a pussy — because truth is, it’s a bit large for an average-sized mouth.

To add extra goodness to your playtime, these toys warm up and cool down and a touch of lube will help any number Dai-Dö glide into place.

I enjoyed the no. 6 in my vagina, although with a little more time it would have probably ended up in my ass. The round head on the smaller side felt great against the cluster of nerve endings both on the top and bottom walls of my insides. I tried circular motions, in and out and up and down, and while I had a preference for the first kind, this toy felt good all around. If the rest of the Dai-Dö is as nice and easy as no. 6, I’ll have plenty of toys to play with all year long!

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