A word to all the women out there who fake their way through one-nighters and short-term hook-ups. (And if you’re still doing it after your wedding night, you’d better find something to fill the hole void.)

Please stop pretending to have raging orgasms. You’re not doing anyone a favor and here’s why:

1. You’re never going to get what you want in bed until you let him know what you like and what you don’t.

2. Each time you scream and moan you’re making him think that’s how ALL women cum. He’ll be a sexual dunce for the rest of his bedroom career, or until he meets a chick with enough balls to set things straight.

3. When you coo with delight each time he sorta kinda touches what he thinks is your G-spot, you’re teaching him that THAT is a “hot spot” on a chick. That sucks for every other girl he fucks after you.

4. Sure you skirted the issue for one night. But what happens when you realize you kinda like the guy, but he has no idea how to get you off and it’s your fault? You have to either clue him into your former charade, or convince yourself that the sex isn’t THAT important. You’ve been lying to him, so why not also lie to yourself?

There are very few fake things in the world that are for the greater good — false eyelashes, tofu hot dogs, cubic zirconia — and the only time you’ll find “fake orgasms” on that list is if you’re on a game show and the most obnoxious orgasm noise wins you a Toyota Yaris and complimentary wine tasting at Williams-Sonoma.

I’ve never faked it. That doesn’t mean I’ve never encountered awkwardness or an insecure guy who felt like a failure — but the key isn’t to lie there waiting for him to get tired and give up.

You gotta give a little direction (as he should for you, too) because that’s the only way to know how to do it right. No one, no matter how suave/sexy/skilled, knows exactly how to get you off because everyone is different, and if you start the session with unfair expectations, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

Use your words.

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“I can make you cum hard.”

We’ve all heard it, or some variation, before: the confident guarantee that ends up an empty promise, uttered by a sheep in wolf’s clothing. I suppose you can’t blame the guy for trying, but you can blame him for thinking that’ll work.

Sure, you want everyone — especially the chick you’re out with — to know you’re a stallion in the bedroom, but there are ways to convey that message without blurting it outright.

In other words, a guy who feels the need to confirm his sexual stamina and/or talents during dinner that Cheesecake Factory probably doesn’t know where your clitoris is.

However, there’s a time and place when statements like the above mentioned DO work, and when it’s done right it can send tingles up your skirt spine.

The first and last guy to say this to me sent lightning bolts up my legs. He didn’t say it to show off, get me horned up, or appear more confident and skilled than he actually was. His success stemmed from his intention to plant a seed in my mind that remained until I managed to get him alone.

He looked me straight in the eye. He didn’t blink and he didn’t smile. In a low voice he said softly, “I can make you cum hard.” He didn’t say another word, but his eyes remained locked on mine.

I didn’t say anything. I was too distracted by a sudden inability to breathe and stand up straight.

That, ladies and gents, remains the only time an act of blatant un-subtlety got the girl…and the pussy that came along with it. He should teach a class.

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Don’t: Not sure how to put this lightly…

…please don’t cum all over me.

The porn scene: Guy is banging girl. Both are about to cum. (She’s probably faking — sorry, had to insert that. Pun intended.) Then just as he hits his mark, he pulls out and finishes all over girl’s stomach/back/face/whatever. Girl coos in delight, and might even rub it all over herself.

The real life scene: Guy is banging girl. Both are about to cum. He pulls out and finishes all over girl, and girl lies there wondering what just happened, where the nearest towel/shower is, and what’s the fastest/cleanest route to get to it.

Just like not every guy likes his salad tossed, not every girl likes spooge in her eye. If she does — especially if it turns her on — she’ll likely give you the green light beforehand.

If that green light never cums comes, take it as a hint: either she’s not into that sort of thing, or she forgot to take out her contacts first.

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It’s a tough one, a decision made by countless numbers of straight women after being asked the fatal question, “Did you cum?”

I specify “straight” women because it seems only men would be daft enough to not be able to tell when a woman orgasms during intercourse. There’s more to it than lots of noise and funny facial expressions: deeper breaths, flushed chest and cheeks, quickened pulse.

The most obvious — and most difficult to fake — sign of an orgasm is the often intensely tight muscle contractions felt inside the vagina. These are the pubococcygeus, or PC, muscles, and anyone who reads Cosmo or Glamour has surely read about kegel exercises that make them stronger. (Ladies, the more kegels you do, the stronger the contractions and, in turn, the more intense your orgasms will be. Remind me again why you haven’t been doing them…?)

Just like your other muscles, you can exercise PCs with or without weights. There are several different kegel exercisers on the market — classic Ben Wa balls, Smartballs and even some heavier dildos are popular.

But honestly, you don’t need a monthly membership or expensive sex toys to keep ‘em toned. Just squeeze (as if you’re holding in pee, for lack of a more elegant description), hold and release whenever you remember to do it.

I’m doing mine right now.

So guys, try not to ask, “Did you cum?” every time because I’m pretty sure lying is a sin, which means each time your wife/girlfriend/main ho bends the truth, you’re essentially sending her to the fiery depths. Jerk.

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