A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?” she asks, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors,” he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily.

“Gold of course,” says the man proudly.

The wife responds, “Really, why don’t you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!”

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The porn scene: Girl and guy make out in the shower. Girl blows guy, guy flicks her clit a little with his finger. Then they start fucking and orgasms/pop-shots ensue.

The real-life scene: Girl and guy make out in the shower. Both are freezing because the warm water can’t hit them both at the same time. Girl blows guy and can’t see because the water pouring into her eyes blurs her contacts. Guy flicks her clit and then they start fucking, but the water pouring over them washes away much of her own wetness and the friction fucks it all up.

Sex in the shower (or pool, hot tub and shallow bodies of water) is hot, no doubt. But a little bit of thought beforehand can help rise that hotness factor.

1. Keep in mind that whenever the water’s pouring on you, it’s not pouring on your partner and he/she is probably cold and uncomfortable.

DISCLAIMER: This tip is for showers located in traditional home-like environments. If you’re fucking in an outdoor shower in Fiji, temperature probably isn’t an issue and I hate you for not inviting me.

2. Keep in mind where the water is spraying as you move around. If you want your gal to suck your cock, don’t point in the direction of the waterfall. Do her a favor and block the stream with your back — she needs to be able to see what she’s doing.

Same goes for gals who want their men to eat out in the shower. No one wants to kneel on the bottom of a bathtub. It’s uncomfortable and, depending on the niceness of your shower, kinda gross. That’s why they make bathtub mats that stay stationary with suction-cups — life becomes easier for us all!

3. Keep in mind the biggest issue with having sex in water: H2O tends to cancel out a woman’s own natural lubricant, causing friction and, as a result, not-awesome sex — ESPECIALLY when condoms are involved.

That’s why it’s essential to have lube nearby, and not just any old water-based goo will do. Go with silicone, which tends to be thinner and silkier than its gloppy counterpart and stays that way in water.

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I’ve got a lot of toys and not a lot of places to put them. I’ve had one small carrying case for a couple of years now, and as my arsenal grew, the zipper refused to close. Now that’s no way to keep my special toys clean and protected!

The XL Adult ToyBox is like an attaché case with Velcro strips to stick a series of six clear pouches and six loops (great to hang feathers and floggers) and customize its organization. I can fill a smaller pouch with lube pillow packs, a larger pouch with lube bottles (protecting the rest of my gear in case one leaks) and put all kinds of smaller bullet vibes, condoms, clamps and mini pump cups (yep, got those, too) and anything else that might get lost floating around a big bag under the bed.

I’ve also got several dildos, each in its own velvet satchel, that also need to fit in there, and because the pouches can be arranged to my liking (it’s like adult Tetris!) everything fits like a glove. Lying flat, it’s only a few inches tall, so it slides under my bed perfectly, and two handles — one on its side and the other at the top — makes it easy to transport to slumber parties.

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It never occurred to me that “going green” was something I could translate into my sex life — focus people, get your heads out of that gutter — until I came across a brand of adorable (yes, I said adorable) condoms that not only girl-ify the traditionally masculine contraceptive, but are made of Fair Trade latex.

This means that purchasing Fair Trade certified condoms like these help provide higher wages and improved working conditions for the rubber tappers who collect the natural material used to manufacture them.

Natural latex rubber comes from rubber trees found in tropical rainforests, as well as areas of South Asia where man-made plantations grow the trees specifically for industrial purposes. Workers slice into each tree and collect the white goo that oozes out, which is later used to create all kinds of products.

They’re not cheap by any means, but if you’ve already been buying Fair Trade coffee, chocolate and tea tree oil body wash, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t add Fair Trade condoms to your grocery list.

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