Common disruptions:

• hormonal changes — can’t help that.
• aging — can’t help that, either.
• exposing it to bacteria that doesn’t belong — CAN help that.

Think of the vagina as a biological ecosystem that you can have sex with.

Now think back to middle school. Remember what resulted from intruders invading new territories with foreign customs and diseases: Extinct species and a giant hole in the ozone layer.

My point? DON’T go ass-to-vag. This means fingers, penises, dildos, ANYTHING.

DISCLAIMER: Vag-to-ass is fine as long as the ass is your final destination.

No matter how many showers you take, there is a constant supply of bacteria in and around the anus that should not go anywhere near the precious vaginal rain forest. Zoo keepers separate the lions’ pen from the flamingo pond for a reason.

Common results of ass-to-vag contact:

• yeast infections
• urinary tract infections
• bacterial vaginosis
• a woman who hates you for making it uncomfortable to exist for 7-14 days, or until the antibiotics are gone.

So please, I don’t care if you saw it in a porno, or you’re really into “gettin’ drrrrty” in the bedroom. You’re not the one who has to wait two weeks to drink alcohol, have sex, and sit in a chair comfortably.

Playing with both orifices feels good for sure, so don’t ignore them. If you’re one-handed, use a glove for the ass and take it off for the vag — or if you’re ambidextrous, just designate one of your two appendages “the butt one” and you’ll be all set.

Just don’t clap.

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YES! THERE’S VIDEO!

Apparently it was an exact replica molded from porn star Carmen Luvana. I’m not sure if she, or her rubber vag for that matter, is worth breaking glass, a new paint job and a criminal record…but I’d hit it.

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