The vagina is a sensitive spot. The skin can be irritated, scratched and chafed with hardly any effort. Most importantly, it has a specific pH balance that, when disrupted, can wreak havoc on the woman to which the vagina belongs. (There are at-home tests you can do to check your pH — which should fall between 3.8 and 4.5.)

Common disruptions:

• hormonal changes — can’t help that.
• aging — can’t help that, either.
• exposing it to bacteria that doesn’t belong — CAN help that.

Think of the vagina as a biological ecosystem that you can have sex with.

Now think back to middle school. Remember what resulted from intruders invading new territories with foreign customs and diseases: Extinct species and a giant hole in the ozone layer.

My point? DON’T go ass-to-vag. This means fingers, penises, dildos, ANYTHING.

DISCLAIMER: Vag-to-ass is fine as long as the ass is your final destination.

No matter how many showers you take, there is a constant supply of bacteria in and around the anus that should not go anywhere near the precious vaginal rain forest. Zoo keepers separate the lions’ pen from the flamingo pond for a reason.

Common results of ass-to-vag contact:

• yeast infections
• urinary tract infections
• bacterial vaginosis
• a woman who hates you for making it uncomfortable to exist for 7-14 days, or until the antibiotics are gone.

So please, I don’t care if you saw it in a porno, or you’re really into “gettin’ drrrrty” in the bedroom. You’re not the one who has to wait two weeks to drink alcohol, have sex, and sit in a chair comfortably.

Playing with both orifices feels good for sure, so don’t ignore them. If you’re one-handed, use a glove for the ass and take it off for the vag — or if you’re ambidextrous, just designate one of your two appendages “the butt one” and you’ll be all set.

Just don’t clap.

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Just got word that some desperate (and hopefully very very drunk) dude drove his car through the glass doors of an AdultMart, jumped out while it was still moving, grabbed a $300 fake ass, then jumped back in and drove the car through the store’s OTHER set of glass doors.

YES! THERE’S VIDEO!

Apparently it was an exact replica molded from porn star Carmen Luvana. I’m not sure if she, or her rubber vag for that matter, is worth breaking glass, a new paint job and a criminal record…but I’d hit it.

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