• RETAIL — think the Gap, Target and little cute boutiques you find in quaint neighborhoods, but instead of selling clothes and overpriced nick-knacks, they sell vibrators, lingerie and DVDs.
• SEX TOYS — the design, production, marketing and development of vibrators, dildos, lingerie and any other product made for sexual or sensual use.
• PORN — porn stars, sets, camera men, studios, the whole 9 yards. It’s a significant part of the adult industry, but it’s not the ONLY part of the industry.
• THE INTERNET — this is a whole other world of adult that isn’t directly related to porn. There’s billing (the companies that enable you to buy stuff online), web marketing (the companies that make the flashy ads you see all over the gossip blogs you visit at work), graphic design and a slew of other businesses that make the adult industry exist on the Internet.
• MEDIA — that’s me.

I work for a publishing house that writes news articles, publishes features articles, and hosts conferences that help adult companies run their businesses. Porn fans not only aren’t interested in us, they likely don’t know we exist. We produce magazines of interest to the folks porn fans DO know: Hustler, BangBros, Playboy and the companies that have pornified all the wholesome television we grew up loving. Think “Seinfeld,” “Gilligan’s Island” and “The Brady Bunch” but with cumshots. (Yeah I don’t want to think about it, either.)

We also produce magazines for all the other business that fit under that adult umbrella. That means I work with retailers, product manufacturers, designers — all kinds of folks. And that DOESN’T mean I’m a nympho who spends 9-5 in front of a television or computer screen. I’ve never been much of a porn fan, and if anything this job has turned me off completely. Whatever it does for you does the opposite for me.

Dating me doesn’t mean you’ve finally found a chick willing to watch that shit with you. Yes you’ve found a girl who won’t freak out when she finds “Ass Fixation 7″ or “Cum Crusaders 14″ in your sock drawer — but please don’t suggest we stay in on Friday night to check out the newest “Harry Potter” parody. (That includes “Hairy Potter,” “Harry Pornher” and “Whorry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Balls.”) That is the LAST thing I want to do, and I promise a BJ-free weekend as a result.

Chances are Gap employees don’t fold their shirts when they go home; mailmen don’t spend their weekends organizing stamp collections; optometrists don’t always wear glasses. And did you ever notice that manicurists often have dirty, broken fingernails?

It’s a job, people, not a lifestyle.

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