Yesterday being Valentine’s Day I took the opportunity to send messages of love and appreciation to my closest friends and family. Just like in all other instances this group of people that I’ve grown to rely on reciprocated the love and appreciation; and this demonstration kept my head above water on an otherwise lonesome day …

Any other day my phone is blowing up with fellas wanting to take me out on dates and another handful that have moved on from trying to woo me and very blatantly arrange bootycalls. I embrace all the variations of relationships with men that I have and for that reason I was shocked that yesterday my phone was completely silent. When I finally decided to quit waiting around and texted a few of my favorite dudes … Even my slutty inviting text messages garnered lackluster — or zero — responses! One guy waited until the whole holiday was over to respond and today, Feb. 15, wants me to come over! Ha!

I know V-Day puts a lot of pressure on men. They have to worry about gift-giving or planning a special evening. Not only that but they must worry about how it may be interpreted as an indication of what a relationship is or where it’s going. I’m assuming these otherwise chivalrous (pfft… sarcasm!) men would have loved to spend time with me but didn’t want to give me the impression that — God forbid — they might have some emotional investment in our relationship.

I can understand why men would rather hide on V-Day. It’s a tad shady and will definitely get you NOT laid on Feb. 15 but I guess I can appreciate the “honesty.”

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Change.org is reporting that police in San Francisco, New York City and D.C. are maintaining “Prostitution Free Zones” by arresting anyone suspected of sex work. Suspicious activity supposedly includes being in possession of three or more condoms.

So being cautious is criminal now?

Condoms are sold in packs of three! And say what you will about prostitution but safe sex should never be discouraged. Sex workers already avoid healthcare out of fear of the law but eliminating this simple form of safe sex really could lead to widespread sexual health problems.

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Talk about a toughie! Sooo many great innovations in sex toys – it would take another decade to list them all. My top pick(s) —one targeting women, the other is for men — were chosen based on their awesome use of technology… Even though, of course, we all know you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to get off but it is almost 2010 — get with the times! Sheesh.

The OhMiBod Collection

I am a huge music fan — I am almost as passionate about my tunes as I am about boning. Since 2006, OhMiBod has found exciting new ways to combine the two. Their collection of music-powered massagers come in all shapes, colors and sizes. This year the company partnered with DJs and a rock band for specially designed product releases and corresponding music playlists. OhMiBod’s Boditalk and Boditalk Escort are cell phone activated vibes that will last throughout an entire call! If you have an iPhone and an OhMiBod vibe, it will vibrate to the sound of the caller’s voice — amazing! The collection is reasonably priced starting at around $50. With their Pleasure Packs, you get a group of goodies at a discounted price!

RealTouch

After two years in development, the RealTouch was officially released this year. A lube reservoir, heating coils and oppositional conveyor belts make up the football-size device that mimics handjobs, blowjobs, anal and vaginal sex through haptic feedback through its web component. A USB link connects the device to a computer, then men can put their penis in this machine and e-fuck hundreds of porn stars — gay or straight AND anime — via VOD giant AEBN’s library of porn videos encoded to work with the device. Retailing at $199, RealTouch users also must purchase movie rentals by minutes. Currently, the RealTouch is only PC compatible, but there are plans to roll out a Mac version and a hands-free Bluetooth option.

Exciting Innovations in Green

I heart the environment. Without it we would have nowhere to masturbate or have sex. Again — many, many novelty manufacturers have developed new ways to not pollute our Mother Earth, such as rechargeable vibes. But two companies, in my eyes, have really gone beyond the call of duty.

RecycleYourSexToy.com

The nonprofit organization launched a year ago with the mission to safely dispose of used or broken vibrators, dildos and plugs from manufacturers and adult businesses as well as individuals. Instructions on how and where to mail the used toys are offered on the site and once you do, you get a $10 gift card redeemable at VibratorShopping.com. Upon receipt, the toys are cleaned and disassembled with parts such as rubber, silicone, plastic and batteries sent for recycling, which process them for reuse.

The Earth Angel

This vibe is referred to as the first to feature green technology. It is designed with a hand-powered battery recharger, and made using recyclable material. The Earth Angel was developed in Ireland and is manually operated with a hand crank that recharges its internal power source. Eight minutes of cranking offers the user one hour of operation, and the core also can be connected to a USB charger. The Earth Angel is eight inches long and features four levels of vibration. Its outer shell and packaging are both made from phthalate-free recycled plastic. In other words… get off guilt-free!

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I recently caught an episode of “Leave It to Lamas” on E! and was totally amused by (one of my favorite toy companies!) The Screaming O’s appearance on the show in the form of a gift bag.

The scene played out like this:

So the show centers around the family of 1980s star Lorenzo Lamas. His daughter, 23-year-old Shayne Lamas gets a special present from her best friend Amber Hay — a gift bag of vibrating products from The Screaming O.

Shayne (obviously) loves the gift, calls Amber her best friend and then torments her brother A.J. with a vibrating cockring.

The Screaming O also is part of the cast of “Bad Girls Club” on the Oxygen Channel, which is such a guilty pleasure of mine. A fully stocked The Screaming O vending machine is a fixture in the bitchy girls’ mansion. On last night’s new episode one girl diffused an argument by suggesting they all go masturbate with their selection of toys.

My point is The Screaming O has awesome products — some of which are disposable (not to mention totally affordable) so nobody has an excuse not to give them a chance. Their fun packaging and brilliant colors are super camera-friendly and I’m happy they’re getting the attention they deserve.

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Commercials hype up products as being available for a limited time only… “while supplies last” to get shoppers to fret at the thought at missing out on a one-time opportunity. When you get a taste of something you like, you want more. When you know this object of your desire is in demand but limited in availability — you want it more … you yearn for it! This is known as the law of scarcity and I’m constantly screwed by it.

Many a time during that delicate, awkward beginning stage of getting to know a person when I know I’m very attracted I’ve just gone for it — physically and verbally expressing exactly what I feel and want. Yeah, well as the buffet of affection, patrons get full and walk away.

Sometimes I’m the object of desire and definitely, the first few times of hearing of someone’s growing interest is endearing, however at some point the doting texts, phone calls and emails lose their appeal. I can get it whenever I want … whatever, no rush.

If I care about the person I’ll kindly tell them to back off. I’ve had that plan backfire and that’s when the law of scarcity royally fucks me. My admirer might obey and make himself really scarce, turning the tables … and now I’m the one standing in line.

The law of scarcity can also affect a lasting relationship. For example, Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy have been together for decades. They’re just about sick of each other. At a party, Kermit is spending more time with other female guests. His attention on Miss Piggy is now limited and therefore more valuable to her. She has to fight to get it back.

The truth of the matter is that this method of persuasion is ego-based. Acting on it is done out of fear of not getting enough — or any — of the person you want. It’s best to accept a relationship as it is and be desirable by using self-control to not be so easily obtained.

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There are mixed reviews when it comes to pets in the bedroom. Some pet owners love their dogs, cats, gerbils, etc. so much they feel turning their backs on them for even a minute is negligent.

A dog-owning, cohabitating friend told me she and her significant other prefer the pooch in the bedroom to make sure it doesn’t fuck things up in the living room while they … um, fuck.

Personally, it totally wierds me out to be in the throws of passion and out of the corner of my eye see Fido sitting on the bed, chewing on my panties (true story), watching – and bouncing along with – all the action. Not because I fear Rover is going to get frisky and stir up some zoophiliac emotions in me. (Eww,) but does the animal really know what’s going on? I’ve heard some dogs whimper or will bark at the sight of their owners having sex … Why?!

Well, I did the research. So before you call The Dog Whisperer, please note:  Dogs (and other pets) are incapable of secondary emotions. And while the barking and whimpering may be a dog’s reaction to the aromas of sex or its tuned-in senses, veterinary behaviorists will tell you it has no idea you’re getting it on. So knick-knack-paddy-whack … give your dog a bone (Really. They like it.) Compromise — do it for the pet-lover on in you.

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I suppose it’s inevitable that, as we grow older and our number of daily responsibilities increase despite our efforts otherwise, the random booty call can become more a burden than a pleasant surprise.

When that telltale “ding ding!” from a text message sounds, I instantly attempt a guess at who’s interrupting me:

• mom, who’s just learning how to use her cellphone
• work, with a problem I don’t want to hear about
• the bank, reminding me I have no money
• dad, also just learning how to use his cellphone

But when the beep sounds and I find a message from Dude # 1, #2 or #5 looking to meet up in an hour, horny turns to stress.

How do I find time for this? I have three deadlines, a full laundry hamper, an empty fridge and I haven’t seen my cat in days.

Alas, so it seems the days of the spontaneous sex session are over, as I officially scheduled my last booty call to fall between deadline #3 and a dinner meeting planned two hours later.

I told him to get here by 5. He arrived 5 minutes early. Good boy.

The silver lining behind scheduling said booty call is I also scheduled a deadline for him to get out of my house — just in time for a quick shower and costume change.

I had the sheets changed and my stilettos on by 6:04 p.m., AND I managed to have one of the year’s best orgasms just 20 minutes earlier.

This could work for me.

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I have a question.

During what part of puberty, sex ed or birds-and-bees embarrassment do young men learn that barn yard noises are an optimal way to catch the attention of the opposite sex?

I don’t remember this ever being an issue growing up in New Hampshire (there, the barnyard noises came from actual barnyards), and I’ve learned that our young male neighbors up north have chosen a silent-but-deadly method. Possibly this is an American big-city technique.

When has a kissy-noise (works for cats), hoot (works for owls), whistle (works for cows and canines), or a general holler (works for swine) EVER resulted in a phone number — a real one — and/or a date?

It certainly gets a girl’s attention, but once she realizes where the noise came from and that it was directed at her, the last thing she’s going to do is come running over gushing about how flattered she feels.

I know communicating verbally isn’t the most appealing thing in the world these days (sadly) but if you find somene attractive enough to say something, then do just that. SAY SOMETHING.

Because making random noises is just going to make you look like a goober with Tourette’s, and that’ll get you nowhere.

You’re better off hanging out on the farm, where your outbursts will be welcomed.

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Phone buzzed. Text message.

What up, booty call.

We’ve already discussed the etiquette behind the call of booty, and as I started tidying up my house and making sure Project Runway was set to record, I began what SHOULD have been a simple text convo confirming that yes, I was up for something.

However, things took an unexpected turn for the douchiest worst and he went from go-to guy (for both orgasms and help hanging curtains) to lame-o worth neither my time nor my vagina.

WRONG ANSWER.

When a chick not only confirms she wants to fuck you, but makes it clear she wants to fuck you RIGHT NOW, you drop everything and fuck her. Seems simple, right? Common sense, yes?

Maybe he had a lineup of phone numbers ready to text in case the first one declined his offer and, like shopping for used cars, waited to see who dealt him the best deal — “A BJ and doggie style? I dunno, man…the place across the street threw in anal and agreed to waive the cuddling fee.”

But regardless he and I both know I was the top of the line, and to think I’d waste my time settling on what we’d do before he got to my house certainly failed to keep me wet.

The fun of it is anticipating his arrival, making small talk as the shoes come off, and then going at it with no holds barred. Who wants to plan it all out ahead of time?

Not me.

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Never underestimate the power of white underwear.

SIDENOTE: I use the term “underwear” in lieu of “panties,” a word I loathe. So when you read “underwear” imagine skimpy thongs and sexy boy-shorts, not granny-shorts.

I won’t speak for every young female on the planet, but my underwear drawer does not consist of perfectly matched bra/thong sets or high-end lace culottes for that “special night.”

My top drawer is filled with thongs, boy-shorts and whatever else looked cute and comfortable in the $1.99 basket at Forever 21 or sale rack at the Gap. The beauty of both of those bargain bins is they’re filled with cute plaid/printed/colorful pairs, passed over by those looking for the classics: black, beige and white.

However one must never forget the value of purchasing a few pairs of the white variety:

1. A blue polka-dot thong visible through a white sun dress looks tacky.
2. White underwear against tan skin looks sexy.
3. There’s something about white undies that drive men wild, especially worn under an outfit that screams the opposite of innocence.

My go-to pair (I bought 5) is a bright white G-string with lace edges and a little white bow on the front. Dainty, girly and the perfect mix of pure and slutty.

He’ll know it’s go-time when you lift up your skirt just enough for the bright white glow to peek out. It’s a part of sign language they don’t teach you in school.

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