Do: If you want special attention paid to certain areas of your anatomy, prep them.

It’s more common than ever for ladies to trim or completely shave their nether regions, and though it’s a bitch to maintain, it certainly has its benefits. If you haven’t yet, try going bare — especially when you know you’ll be gettin’ down later. It’s worth it.

I’ve found it’s less common for men-folk to do the same. Men have told me they fear for their precious jewels, that they wouldn’t dream of subjecting them to the edge of a razor blade. I completely understand (um hi, shaving vaginas is no less treacherous) but come on. I assure you they’re less likely to be licked, sucked or whatever else when they look like two butterscotch candies that were dropped on a rug.

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Don’t: When you’re on top, and we’re getting close to the big finale, please don’t choke me.

Sounds like a “duh” no-brainer, but for some reason there are men out there who (maybe they saw it in a porno or two, or are just angry all the time) feel the need to cut off my oxygen source right when I need it the most.

NEWS FLASH: Oxygen makes the blood flow. Blood flow to the groin area enhances feeling. Enhanced feeling heightens sensitivity. All this leads to a powerful orgasm. Cut off my oxygen, you cut off my orgasm, and then I hate you.

And quite frankly, the orgasm isn’t ruined solely as a result of oxygen deficiency – the fact that I’m suddenly being choked in the middle of ecstasy yanks me out of the sexual moment so violently I forget it even feels good.

Rough, angry sex can be fun. But discuss it beforehand, don’t spring it on me. How would you like it if I suddenly stuck a dildo in your butt right in the middle of it all? You’d be startled, too. At least you’d still be able to breathe.

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Don’t: Please save the extreme public displays of affection for somewhere other than high-traffic, high-visibility areas.

I occasionally go to the movie theater to watch films that feature tender, sweet moments shared between attractive men and women (aka Chick Flicks) in order to escape reality and pretend scenes like that happen in real life.

What I DON’T go to the movie theater to watch is hipster couples reenact these scenes in the middle of the lobby, slowly and methodically sucking face and embracing as irritated people rush to find seats and try not to collide with them.

I completely understand the urgency that sudden horniness entails (we’ve all been there) but that’s why God made public bathrooms, dark alleyways and your friend’s hallway closet. (Sorry Kristen.)

This isn’t a perfume ad, people. This is real life. And unless you’re inviting me to join in, save it for someplace I’m not going to be.

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Do: Talk to her in bed. And I don’t mean scripted porn commentary, (which, FYI, is only sexy to some women, so be sure to feel her out — pun intended — before blurting something obscene) such as, “You like that pussy slammed?” or, “Stick your finger in your ass.”

Or better yet, let her talk to you. If it’s a turnoff to have a chick you’re naked with tell you where to put your tongue or thumb, you might need to grow up a bit. The fact that she’s comfortable and eager enough to provide some direction means she REALLY wants to cum and REALLY wants you to be the cause. That in and of itself should be enough to get you hot and bothered and raring to go.

And for those of you still not convinced, tell your hand I said hi.

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Don’t (ever ever ever).

I thought this was common sense, but apparently not.

Guys, when you’re lying in bed post-coital (that means after you two fucked/made love/whatev), don’t ask questions that pry into her sex life. It’s none of your business. If it were, you wouldn’t have to ask.

Example #1:

HIM: “You know what would make me feel awesome?”

HER: “Uh, what.”

HIM: “If I was the first person you’ve ever done [insert sex position here] with.”

HER: [Awkward silence. Post-orgasm glow GONE.]

That’s like asking her if your dick is the biggest she’s ever seen — ’cause chances are buddy, it’s NOT.

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Do: Keep lube near and/or under your bed. Owning it doesn’t make him inadequate, and using it doesn’t make her defective. It makes sex better for you both, so use it and use it liberally.

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Do: Put yourself out there. My best friend was at the airport waiting for a delayed flight and decided to check out the solar-powered monogram license plate key chains in the Hudson News shop. (Because the non-solar-powered monogram license plate key chains are terrible for the environment?) She looked up to see a young man sporting a trucker hat, flat-ironed black locks, and skinny jeans in front of her, who promptly blurted, “You’re beautiful. Can I call you sometime?” Now, granted, had my friend not been married and had this young man not looked like the former president of the Black Eyed Peas fan club, she may have considered his offer. Why? Because he was confident enough to risk her rejection.

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Don’t: Don’t go ANYWHERE near her anal area — that means mouth, fingers, whatever — without clear confirmation that it’s a “go.” That means ask her, using your words and vocal chords. Lingering around the region is not a clear indication of your intentions. Put that thumb away.

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