Dude on a plane sent me a text message!

After more than two months of occasional neutral “Hey, how are you, ttyl” type emails, this gentleman has taken our relationship to the next level by sending a “Hi, just keeping in touch” text!

Whether this is the modern male’s way of e-courting, I have no idea, but I’ve noticed a common theme in each of his messages:

Never has he hinted to the idea of going out on a first date, or being interested in anything more than being pen pals. There have been suggestions to go to places that he and his friends might be, but never a, “Hey, want to come to this movie that I’m also attending? Maybe we can sit next to each other, and possibly even speak?”

Even this latest text clearly stated he was sending it to me in order to keep in touch and say hi, but nothing more.

So I wrote back: “Great to hear from you! I’m doing well. Would you like to meet up sometime?”

He wrote back immediately. We’re going out on Wednesday.

But wait — following these rules of first-base email, second-base text, did I just steal home plate? Does that make me an e-slut?

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A reader recently sent an inquiry regarding panic attacks on a first date, and how best to avoid them. Since I’m now a dating expert (my certificate is in the mail) I thought I’d offer advice in the form of a Top-5 list, because they’re fun and look official.

Panic attacks on a first date are not attractive and rarely result in a request for a second one. They show emotional instability (not the ideal impression to give), attract gasps and stares from onlookers (not the ideal kind of attention to draw), and often cause coiffed hair, tucked-in shirts and generally tidy appearances to become disheveled. None of these are conducive to a successful dating experience. For reference, the following five tips should be kept close at hand during the dating and courtship process to assure the most efficient and pleasing outcome:

5. If you’re prone to panic attacks during dates, contact your physician and see if [insert anti-anxiety pill brand here] is right for you.

4. Take your meds an hour before the first date. This likely will assure no panic attacks will occur within the following 6-hour time period, and you’ll be able to dull most other unwanted emotions at the same time.

3. Eliminate as many other anxiety-inducing elements (including but not limited to clowns, garden gnomes, small children and traffic) from the date environment as possible. If he/she plans to take you to a Disney theme park during rush hour, cancel immediately.

2. Use a mental “happy place” as a temporary retreat during an episode of high anxiety. However, be sure to discern which place is the happy place and which is the REAL place, for that could get awkward and uncomfortable later.

1. Should a panic attack occur despite following the previous four tips, succumb to the rapid heartbeat, uncontrollable blinking and frantic search for a paper bag in which to breathe and ride it out. You can always blame it on an allergy to shellfish — no one can argue that. But if your date does, he/she is probably a jerk anyway. Move on, or move online.

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Well whoever said the dating scene was stressful, annoying and oftentimes unpleasant must have been crazy, because I’m having a GREAT time. (If you’ve scrolled through some of my other posts, you will find that I’m currently lying through my teeth. Luckily for you, I just brushed.)

I’ve found that the span of time that falls between finishing a meal and checking yourself in a mirror can feel like a lifetime as you sit wondering how much of your dinner is stuck between how many of your front teeth.

Remember: only your best friends will tell you, and the future (hopeful) bed-mate sitting in front of you is anything but. You could have an entire corn cob in your incisor and chances are your date will hold back out of embarrassment or politeness or something else ridiculous. How it’s polite to be a catalyst of inevitable humiliation, I’m not sure.

So unless you’re dating your BFF or your jaw is wired shut requiring nourishment in liquid form, word to the wise: resist the urge to go green. Salads are light and low-cal, but also the least sexy food to watch someone else consume. Spearing and cramming large leaves dripping with dressing into your mouth certainly doesn’t scream, “Take me home!” and the risk of green specs obstructing the bright white in which the previous week’s-worth of bleaching strips resulted is far too great.

But if eating a salad for dinner is some kind of neurotic life requirement, be prepared to spend that 20 minutes anxiously running your tongue across your teeth (not in a coy way), and good luck attempting to smile with your lips forced closed.

Or, if you’d like the date to end as soon as possible with a low likelihood of a goodnight face-sucking session, stuff as much ruffage into your craw as you can, talk with your mouth full, and be sure to guffaw and smile wide each time he cracks a lame joke, because your chances of having greenery in your teeth are pretty damn good, and no one (usually) wants to suck face with that.

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I frequently hear women complaining that there are no good bars or clubs in which to meet men — for purposes other than a one-nighter. Well first of all, don’t try to meet men in bars and clubs, because frankly there aren’t enough good bars and clubs in which to do so. And the men that seem fun for a one-time romp are often the dudes who later say, as they unbuckle their True Religion jeans, “Babe, I don’t go ‘down there,’” but expect you to.

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Went on a first date last night. Thought I’d give him a try. He failed.

Ladies — I feel it’s our public duty to educate the men of the world about what NOT to do when you like a girl. How else are they going to learn?

DISCLAIMER: Men — if you want to just bang the chick, then by all means do whatever it takes and skip dessert.

6 Don’ts for the Dating Scene:

1. Make an effort on the first impression…I know it shouldn’t matter, but it kinda does. It shows you’re interested enough to spend some time washing your hair and changing your shirt.
2. Don’t make me choose the restaurant and don’t make me drive.
3. Don’t try to hold and caress my hand at dinner when we’ve only known each other for like, a couple of hours. It’s not romantic; it’s kinda weird.
4. Don’t invite yourself into my apartment after dinner to “talk” more. I’m not stupid. If I wanted to continue the evening, I would already have asked you to come inside.
5. Compliments are great. But when the majority of your side of the conversation revolves around how you like my eyes, wit, height, shoe size, blood type…it gets a little uncomfortable.
6. Even if you really like me, don’t tell me yet. It’s the first date, and if you already want to get married and buy a time-share together, you might need to step back a bit. The chase can be fun, but when it’s too easy, the excitement wanes.

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